I had an extraordinary opportunity last night to hang out with some casual acquaintances who are contemporaries of my kids (my kids weren't there) and just be. Not be entertaining, not be mentoring, not be anything except be one of the boys (and hopefully, not be a buzzkill or overly annoying). That was energizing to me, to say the least.
At some point I mentioned that I had posted a video on my blog, and one of them, who is finishing up school for his day job and has been writing a novel, said he'd like to read my blog. I was taken aback, that a talented young writer would actually want to read what I had to say. I couldn't think of a good response so I hastily dissembled, saying that I no longer had my blog site, that the website was already taken down, etc.
I was truthfully referring to my former blogging life when I had my own domain and the blog was reasonably rich with some bells and whistles, many loyal followers and a nice sense of purpose. But I was not giving the whole truth about the fact that I had recently started this little blogspot thing going which was what my initial comment had been referring to. I don't know if anyone noticed the discrepancy or just thought I was an old flake...
Why not admit this site and lead him to it? Is it terribly embarrassing? Well, yes, I believe it is. It's not as pithy as I was thinking it might be when I started it. It's not as witty or entertaining or even as deep as it could be. It's just a lot of shallow, short nothings, so far. The best content isn't even mine, it's the music videos I share on Fridays.
Is that why I was suddenly unwilling to let this young author know about it? I certainly would have welcomed him to my former blog, I think I was pretty damned great for many years, in that one.
So if the freakin' blog is not worthy of sharing, then why do I do it? Why am I putting it out here, knowing that there are already some readers and even a commenter (thanks, Dan!) As it stands, I think I do it because I have a need to write, to share my thoughts. And I think I didn't start out great before, I had to get into the flow of it, it took some months to get up to speed. So maybe I'm being overly harsh on myself right now, and should cut myself some slack. I'll never be totally satisfied with what I write, but it's honest and it's me and I'm going to keep pouring it out as long as I feel I have a license to spill...
I've been puzzling over that incident today, since I don't like lies and that semi white kinda lie is bebothering my sense of decency.
Oh,simply the humility/humanity of it all!-I mean it certainly does'nt sound like your deception was based on the possible percieved detrimental effects to intra-office politics,or your career,from the revelation of your personal thoughts/beliefs...
ReplyDelete“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~ Marianne Williamson